


My Understandings

by overlyobsessedteenblogger



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Bellarke, F/M, Patient Clarke, Science Fiction, nurse Bellamy, previous Clarke and Finn relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7098211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overlyobsessedteenblogger/pseuds/overlyobsessedteenblogger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin is a permanent resident at Greensleeves Hospital for Troubled Youths. Her doctors can't seem to find a cure for her condition and she's just about lost the will to keep trying when a new nurse is transferred to her wing. Bellamy Blake is confrontational and doesn't take any of her shit. He is the last person Clarke thinks will be able to help her but when the unexplainable happens there is no one she needs more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Understandings

_My arm snagged on something, jolting me backwards sharply. I looked down to see my hospital bracelet hooked on a nearby tree. I called out to Finn to wait for me who turned and laughed when he saw my predicament. "Geez Gorgeous, only five steps away from the looney bin and natures already trying to send you back!"_

_"Shut up Finn and don't call it the looney bin, it's not nice." I frowned at him and he broke out into a heart shattering smile._

_"Why, you call it that?"_

_"I'm quite aware that that's what I call it!"_

_"So why can't I?"_

_"Cause you don't live there!"_

_"Come on babe or we're going to miss lunch before I have to take you back!"_

_"Uuggh don't remind me that I have to go back."_

_"Don't lie, you wouldn't live anywhere else." He nudged his shoulder against mine._

_"Don't make me regret going to lunch with you Finn!"_

_"Oh now I'm heart broken!" He said holding his hand over his heart. I laughed at his expression and leaned on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek._

_"Better?" I asked and he smiled cheekily at me._

_"Nearly, but you missed my lips!" He pouted and I laughed again._

_"Oh come here" I pulled his lips to mine and I relished in the feeling of them touching. Kissing Finn was one of my favorite things to do in life, it made all the therapy worth it. The constant time spent trying to better myself led to these moments of comfort that only he could give me. I pulled away and hugged him close, sighing contentedly. "Babe we really need to go." He smiled._

_"If we must," I murmured. We continued walking in the direction I assumed the restaurant was in. Abruptly Finn turned into a cafe that seemed small on the outside but was quite spacious on the inside. The walls were made of old stone and the floor was polished floorboards, in the centre stood a modern looking buffet. The tables were all long and rectangular, effectively forcing you to sit with company rather than on your own. All in all it had such a lovely, warm feel to it that I suspected Finn had known about and it was why he had brought me here. Somehow, although it was so similar to the cafeteria at the hospital, it was so different that I immediately loved the place and the smile on his face told me he knew I would. "Take a seat over there and I'll get us some food." he smiled pointing towards one of the rectangular tables. It was occupied by a group of old ladies who seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. They seemed so happy it made you wonder whether there was really anything in life to be sad about. They laughed and joked while drinking their tea and eating their cakes and for a while I was lost watching the happiness play out before my eyes. Today was a happy day, thrown into the middle of such awful days, but sat there watching them enjoy themselves despite all the drama in their lives was enough for me to feel like there would be a better outcome for me._

_I hadn't notice Finn's return so it was a surprise when I turned to my right and he was sat there watching me. "Clarke, do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" I grimaced and looked down at the table. Self confidence was a hard thing for me and taking compliments was excruciating. I always felt as if there was an ulterior motive behind the words. Even though I knew he meant it, I couldn't force myself to smile and thank him. It would have been the polite thing to do. The funny thing to do would have been to laugh and say "you're not so bad yourself" or something silly like that, but instead he was stuck with me and all I could do was look away. He tilted my face back towards him and smiled. "One day Clarke Griffin you will feel as beautiful as I see you and then you won't have to shy away from me." He seemed so sure of himself that I smiled, despite my disbelief, for his hopes sake. "Now eat up, you're lunch is getting cold." I laughed and poked my elbow in his ribs._

_"It's a sandwich you fool, it's supposed to be cold!" He just laughed and took a bite of his own sandwich._

I woke with a cry of pain. Why? Why must I dream of these things? "Finn..." I sighed and rolled out of bed. There was no way I was getting anymore sleep tonight. I splashed some water on my face and caught a glance of the scars on my wrist. Poor Finn hadn't known what to do when it first started. Hell, I didn't know what to do. Sometimes i would wake, as if from a dream, with cuts on my wrists and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember where they came from. That is what lead to me becoming a permanent patient at _Greensleeves Hospital for Troubled Youth,_ although they'd probably have to move me soon as 22 years old doesn't really fall under the youth category anymore. Troubled youth though, what a joke. That was their polite way of saying mentally disturbed kids. No doctor had any answers as to why I was hurting myself and to be honest I didn't care anymore. I had lost the one thing that mattered. The one thing that made this therapy bearable. So I didn't really give a crap anymore whether they fixed me or not. Finn still came to see me every Thursday of course, but I could tell it was over. The spark in his green eyes had died a long time ago and I think he came now just because it was habit. But who could blame him? I sure as hell wouldn't want to date someone you could only see once a week and spent the rest of the week trialing new therapies to fix their head. No, I didn't blame him. Didn't stop it from hurting any less, but I wasn't mad. What I was mad about was my stupid body making me have stupid dreams. During the day I was able to combat the feeling that came with losing Finn, but once my eyes shut for the night my mind came at me with full force. I usually dreamt of times before I was admitted to Greensleeves, when everything was right for me. I was living with Finn in a gorgeous cottage and I was working at my favorite book store. Everything was so wonderful, which puzzled the doctors even more. Self-harm is usually a side effect of depression, however even under my doctors deepest tests and scrutiny he couldn't find any symptoms to suggest I was suffering or had ever suffered from depression. He said I had low self esteem, which was usual for someone at the age of 18, but it wasn't low enough to even consider depression. I was a medical mystery and was probably going to stay that way for the rest of my life. Thats if, while unconscious, I didn't cut too deep. There had been a few close calls, but usually it was just scratches. Like cat scratches the doctors would say.

I decided to have a shower before breakfast, to try and feel a little bit more human for when I had to face humanity. I sometimes wished I could just hide away in my room and have the doctors visit me from there, but they had said that was impractical and would ruin my outlook on life. As if I had a positive one anymore. I may not have had depression when I first arrived but I sure as hell had it now. Losing the must important person in your life with no means of getting them back would do that to a girl. I was on so much medication to try and beat my depression as well as my "episodes", as the doctors called them, that sometimes I felt like a zombie. One thing that had never made sense to me was the feeling that I had not done this to myself. That I was not the one who marked my skin like this. I told my doctor this one time and he said that it was my sub-conscience repressing and altering the memory to protect itself. Sounded like a load of bullshit to me. Surely if I was hurting myself like this on purpose then I would remember doing so and want to do so at other times of the day, not just while I was sleeping. No, I still believe that someone else is doing this to me, the question is who. Or what? 


End file.
